Things Spain isn’t allowed to do
by tedyvirysa
Summary: Title says it all.I'm starting a contest of who can make the most hilarious fic about Spain breaking all those rules. For more info go to my profile page.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

Things Spain isn't allowed to do:

1. I'm not allowed to dress up as Rome.

-Or Byzantine...the Balkan nations will attack me on sigh.

2. I'm not allowed to say that Kosovo is my brother.

-Serbia may not want to admit it but he is very protective of his brother and will harm me.

3. I'm not allowed to say that I had kidnapped the Easter bunny and want all my former colonies back, chibified, or I will throw it in a room full of ponies.

-...that makes no sense.

-England's fairies may start a rescue mission.

4. I'm not allowed to try to make Norway loosen up.

-Hi doesn't like being joked with and I will be hurt.

5. I'm not allowed to sing more than two serenades under Romano's window a day.

-Even if he is cute when he blushes.

6. I'm not allowed to say that rhinos actually eat other animals.

-The normal ones don't, but those escaped from Bulgaria or Russia's laboratory are a different story.

7. I'm not allowed to say that England has finally gone senile just so America could send him to a retirement home.

-The Balkan nations will oppose this because Russia will try to claim the same about them.

-Besides it's not nice to say things about someone's age.

8. I'm not allowed to call Romano "My cute huggable sweetheart".

- He doesn't like that kind of stuff; he doesn't like kinky names either.

9. I'm not allowed to claim that Human beings are a disease of the species Homo sapiens; that means they are hairless monkeys. Unique among mammals, humans never reach a natural equilibrium with their environment. They spread to an area and they multiply and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. Then they spread to another area. There is one other organism on this planet that follows the same pattern - a virus.

10. I'm not allowed to publish this article:

Balkans

"_**Hot guys fighting with each other, someday I will force them into having an orgy!"**_

~ Hungary on The Balkans

_The Balkan Peninsula_ is a historical place on Earth and a significant place in the Faroe Islands. Its history dates back to the beginning of man and rock throwing. Some of the first forms of human beings have evolved on this territory. The Balkan Peninsula is located just to the left of the end of the world.

History of the Balkans

In year 10000 BC, small tribe of humanoid creatures moved into central Europe from the cold whining Siberia. This tribe was the ancestor of today's Balkanians. Early, Neolithic Balkanians were simple, warrior society. When not in hunt, Balkan nations usually threw stones onto their neighbor's heads, pissed on neighbors grass or simply spent their free time killing each other. Although it seems impossible, evolution succeeded in (slightly) improving Balkan nations, so they won't kill each other so often.

Religion of the Balkan nations

Balkan nations are polytheistic society, but they traditionally worship a few major gods only. We'll mention some of them: 1) Ozujsko [pronounced O-zhooy-skou]. The goddess of happiness, fertility and laughter. Judging by some cave paintings, she's presented as large bottle of cheap strong beer. 2) Pelinkovac [Palin-ko-vatz]. The god of strength. 3) Spek [Shpeck] - the god of health and masculinity; usually presented as a slice of bacon. Other, less popular gods are Luk, Cevapi, Pecenica, Droga etc. Some Balkan nations also worship dark gods like mighty Rakia [Rah-kii-yah] - goddess of death and madness, Pelinkovac's evil sister. Rakia is usually presented as a bottle of very strong plum brandy. Religious rituals are performed almost every day, being an important part of life to every Balkan nation's life. Sadly, we don't have much information about those religious rituals, but some excavations are telling us that these rituals are mostly concentrated on getting drunk, singing stupid songs, and (sometimes) trying to catch a female, but ending up with a male. It also must be said, that the Gods worshiped by Balkanians are well known all over the world. They just have been given different local names by other societies. Some of them developed through the years, so not everyone knows their roots, but you'll surely find their traces in every culture/religion in this world.

Demographics of the Balkans

This territory has always been populated by many species, notably Albania's (Illyric or Grecophobic) and Montenegro's (Lazyodoic) tribes, as well as the Bulgaria's (Tatarophonic), Greece's (Mοnkeydonophobic) and Macedonia's (Fyromians or Bulgarians or Just-plain-idiotic) tribes, under the lead of Serbia's () supreme tribes. Nowadays, the land is populated by millions of sheep and:

Albania (which is dedicated on working hard/soft/doggy on becoming the majority in the Balkan Peninsula, Switzerland, the EU and the rest of the world, even China (so far unsuccessful, but America is working on that problem too!))

Bosnia (identity-crisis but he know he is not Serbian nor a Croat)

Bulgaria (Currently in an identity crisis and can't decide whatever he is a Turk, Tatar, Slav, Illyrian, Avar or God-knows-what-else. America is currently working on giving him more options to pick from. )

Croatia (He will cause a riot anywhere, whether it be tennis, water polo or handball or Dalmatian dog show!)

Greece (He owns everything, as a matter of fact, chances are that he actually owns you, but you are still unaware of it. He likes cheese.)

Gypsies (they're everywhere except where they should be - India!)

Monkeydonia (Fyromia/Macedonia) (He is an old guy who looks like a fifteen year old teenager.)

Montenegro (He is a lazy Serb.)

Romania (The country were the national dish is stomach stew, vegetable salad and "sarmale"; the country with the most Gypsies.)

Serbia (who is a Serb, but actually came from some other planet, divine humanoid nation but unfortunately the whole world is against him, mostly for three reasons:

1) Because America says so!

2) Because they make it hard for doggy/soft/hard working Albanians to succeed in their fantasy!

3) Because they have bones naturally reinforced with carbon fiber and they're very hard to kill!)

Slovenia (He is no longer a Slavs but like the name, a backstabbing fag (don't take it literally) (I mean take it contra-literally) (no, the second impression) (yes, that's what I meant))

Turkey (He occupied this whole region for 500 years and fucked it up completely and forever.)

All of those species have a majestic custom: that of whining and arguing about all of the other species. Flame warring is mighty fun, and has lead to many a happy festival of sacking and pillaging in the good ol' Balkan. Tourists are encouraged to come in and make bets in the casinos about who's going to win the war (and there is, of course, usually one going on, or more, typically fought by hordes of barbarians in soccer-team clothes with flaming signs and pitchforks, shouting the name of some "football" team).

-...I admit it started creepily but it's mostly true.

-Balkan nations are Orthodox Christians.

-I'm not allowed to use this article just to get my revenge for that one time when those Rakia-worshiping assholes made me watch "Twilight" either.

11. I'm not allowed to claim that this is the description of the first Harry Potter book:

In the first book, Harry, a small and especially irritating bespectacled child who, in the Golden Age, would be down the tin mines earning his keep (bloody kids these days), learns that his benevolent aunt and uncle Vernon and Petunia are in fact the heads of a Masonic splinter lodge. To keep their secret well hidden, Harry is bundled off to boarding school where he is visited in the night by a large bearded dwarf telling him that he's "special". Harry is taken to an ancient bank deep in the heart of London, where he learns that his long-dead parents, killed in a tragic fly-by shooting under the orders of Lord Voldemort (named after the sound produced by trying to yawn with a mouth full of marshmallows), left him stocks and shares worth five times the amount of all the money in Paragon City. Not only that but he has magic powers and, being a small child who desires wanton destruction above all else, is a danger to humanity. One feeble explanation about "mitochondria" later and he's off to the Jedi Apprentice Academy at Hogwarts to master in Quidditch. He is placed in a secret friendship club known as Gryffindor by a mystical piece of headgear known as the Selection Sombrero. On the way he meets tall, anorexic Ron Weasley and plot device Hermione Granger, who, like him, have special powers and thus require secure detention. After indoctrination at the top-secret Academy they proceed to break all the rules, vandalize ancient works of art and kill off their Self Defense teacher (as well as several other minor characters) under the excuse that they were "saving the world".

-This book is actually based on England...I'm so spreading this description!

12. I'm not allowed to say that Romano is my tomato and nobody else's!

-Or become extremely violent to all those who are trying to take him away.

13. I'm not allowed to claim that this is how 2009 Gas Dispute of Ukraine with Russia happened.

On January 1, 2009, after a long and painful night of absolute wastednes, Ukraine found out that there might be no more gas in country's reserves due to all of it having been spent to brew horilkas for the New Year. The Ukranian president and pop star Verka Serdyuchka then sent spies to Russia in order to find out the biggest source of natural gas and steal it. The spies brought back home an oxygen tank with "Lenin's gases" written on it. It was opened on January 2, 2009, and is still farting (what do you want, the poor guy has been holding them for what, like, 90 years...). At the same time, Russian REAL President Vladimir Putin sent a threat letter to Ukraine, stating that they have been "pwnd" and that they will be nuked if they don't return Lenin's fart. The Ukrainian government responded with a signed declaration saying "All j00r gHaz r blng 2 gHuz HARHARHARHAR!!!!1111oneone" Following this mockery, Russia invited Ukraine to play a Counter Strike tournament online to determine the winner and the keeper of the gas. It was then determined that Ukraine won the game, so Russia simply stopped provisioning Eastern Europe with gas until Ukraine returns the tank back to Mausoleum. While both sides began waiting for the other side to give up, the situation aggravated in Europe. The cold Winter, that only Russia and Ukraine could bear made itself appear in small housings deprived of gas. On several occasions during the dispute, Hungary had protested general starvation outbreaks throughout the country, while Turkey acknowledged a "gobbling" deficit in fowl production. France and Switzerland have also been known to steal gas supplies from Romania in order to cook the infamous fondue cheese that is normally consumed under cultural grief. Even Kosovo showed discontent... that nobody really cared about. In scope of such problematic situation, the European Union decided to sacrifice some hot porn actresses into their ritual pit in order for God to come down and resolve the matter. He came, however, for a different purpose - to show the way of "Change" to the One (America). And while everyone in the World was watching this fantastic US inauguration, Ukraine had secretly released some lawyers who signed a bunch of papers to make it look like Russia backs off from their supply cutting. At the same time, Russia had personally equipped himself with protective suit and descended into the gas tube, breathing by using his buttsecks gills and walked all the way to Ukraine. He then managed to swap Lenin's gases with Zhirinovsky's, which were made of pure American food, and therefore, had a soothing effect on enraged Ukrainians. As the aftermath of the gas dispute, when Topolanek assisted both countries in court, it looked like intoxicated mindless Hoholi were filing in a lawsuit for greedy Kotsapi who had already released the gas back for not acting in a proper capitalist way toward Georgia. When Sarkozy called the court and said that his gas-powered Frenchman killing machine was now back in order, the lawsuit was dismissed.

-Because that's not what happened.

14. I'm not allowed to say that that I'm personal friend of the mutant child of the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny.

-The thing doesn't exist.

15. I'm not allowed to say that a Dictator, otherwise known as a Dick 'Tater, is the benevolent, loving, father of this country, or the repressive war-mongering tyrant of the country over that line there. He (led the glorious revolution/overturned the legitimate government) 37 years ago, and ever since has led in a style best described by the motto (Faith, Harmony, and Country/I Hate Puppies). His closest advisors are (the most brilliant minds our nation has to offer/a bunch of syphilitic thugs) whose only interest is (the wellbeing of the people/the eradication of good from the Earth). Recently, the dictator has instituted a five-year plan to (deal with the issues of overpopulation/remove those opposing his evil rule) which is sure to be a (success/sign of his pact with Satan.) All (hail/spit upon the name of) the dictator! If you do not have dictators (follow mine, he is great, perfect and magnificent/ensure that none of those Satan worshipping, puppy hating people ever comes to you)!

-Even though it is true.

To be continued.

Reviews are welcomed, flames are not and ideas are wanted.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

Things Spain isn't allowed to do:

1. I'm not allowed to wave a red flag in front of England.

-He is not a bull and I should stop pretending that he is.

2. I'm not allowed to feed Portugal with some special magical food (England's cooking)

3. I'm not allowed to have siesta with Greece.

-He prefers sleeping alone.

4. I'm not allowed to use peanut butter as a form of a nuclear weapon.

-But who will suspect this of me?

5. I'm not allowed to give Turkey's secret "Turkish delight" stash to Egypt.

-The poor sweets won't know what ate them.

6. I'm not allowed to force my former colonies into having one big family reunion once a month.

-The last thing it will be is happy.

7. I'm not allowed to talk the other nations into running away from bulls with me.

-They think its insanity…one day I will smite them all!

8. I'm not allowed to challenge Australia to be a toreador for a day.

-He actually kills the bulls.

9. I'm not allowed to challenge the other nations to ride a donkey.

-The donkeys are quite nasty creatures, dangerous and noisy too.

10. I'm not allowed to say that I hate puppies.

-Even if I do, which I don't, saying that you hate puppies will emidiatly give you the status of a villain.

11. I'm not allowed to marry Hungary.

-…I, unlike Austria, have save preservation instincts.

12. I'm not allowed to make a false assumption every time I see England and France together.

-It won't be a false one.

13. I'm not allowed to fallow Poland to his house.

-Everyone will call me a stalker.

-Even if Poland invited me.

14. I'm not allowed to give fan girls pictures of Arthur as a pirate.

-Even if it results in him being chased by said fan girls.

15. I'm not allowed to play cupid and make a couple out of Germany and Italy.

-That's France's job.

Reviews are welcomed, flames are not.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

Things Spain isn't allowed to do:

1. I'm not allowed to tie up America's alien and then throw him in an arena full of bulls to see if it's immortal.

-That's not a very nice thing to do.

2. I'm not allowed to remind England of his days as a pirate every time he talks with America about the importance of good manners.

-That hypocrite.

3. I'm not allowed to talk the pope into marring me to Romano.

4. I'm not allowed to go with Australia on his alligator hunting sprees.

5. I'm not allowed to laugh every time Denmark gets cornered by fan girls.

-I'm supposed to help him…but I won't.

6. Leaving anyone to their demise via bull fighting is rather nasty of me and I'm not allowed to do it.

7. I'm not allowed to push England into a quicksand.

-Payback time…oh, wait I'm not allowed to do it.

8. I'm not allowed to attend funerals of a nation's boss just so I could go to said nation, poke it and say "your next".

-That's Belarus's job.

9. I'm not allowed to treat Romano like a porcelain doll.

-Even though he likes the attention.

10. I'm not allowed to proclaim myself Germany's older brother.

-I'm not; he won't let me boss him around anyway.

11. I'm not allowed to tell Russia to think about his happy place every time he is escaping from Belarus.

-He goes and hides behind the Balkan nations.

-Most of them get hurt…why not all of them?

12. I'm not allowed to try cheering up Turkey by saying he had helped in raising Greece.

-The same goes for Bulgaria regarding Russia, Belarus, Ukraine, Hungary and Prussia.

-Or for England regarding America.

-They get in bigger depression.

13. I'm not allowed to call Sicily "Mafia Island".

-Even thou she is creepy.

14. I'm not allowed to sleep throe England's speeches.

-Especially if it's only to spite him.

15. I'm not allowed to help Mexico and Cuba in their revenge against America.

-How is painting America's flag pink going to help them?

Reviews are welcomed, flames are not.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia.

Things Spain isn't allowed to do:

1. I'm not allowed to bug Portugal.

-If it wasn't for her I would still be under Arabian rule.

2. I'm not allowed to imitate Joanna of Castile by putting Prussia in a glass coffin.

-He's not dead...**_yet_**.

3. I'm not allowed to put chili in England's tea.

-Even thou the result is interesting to watch.

4. I'm not allowed to give Cuba advises on how to date Canada and eventually deal with America.

-He doesn't need help with the dating part, but the last part will be quite irritating.

5. I'm not allowed to go around with an axe and pretend to be about to cut my neighbor's head.

-They will do something I will regret.

6. I'm not allowed to ask China why Russia is stalking him.

-The thing that he is not aware of can't hurt him.

7. I'm not allowed to open an amusement park bigger than England's just to spite him.

-That's childish of me...but Russia will be happy.

8. I'm not allowed to make any comments about the Bermuda Triangle.

-Or about the fact that is suspiciously close to America.

9. I'm not allowed to send Belarus after England by telling her he is Russia.

-She will find out I tricked her and then my days will be numbered.

10. I'm not allowed to say that a hyena and Hungary have the stalking factor in common.

-The similarity of their hunting tactics doesn't stop there.

11. I'm not allowed to say that the difference between a tomato and a potato is that the first one has an identity crisis and no one cares about the other.

-Germany won't be amused.

12. I'm not allowed to sneak-hug Romano.

-But he is so cute when startled!

-I'm still not allowed to do it.

13. I'm not allowed to give Russia any advises about friendship.

-He won't listen to me, not until the Balkan nation stop spoiling him rotten.

14. I'm not allowed to wear black on a weeding.

-Especially if its Austria's weeding.

15. I'm not allowed to send Belarus 1000 Teddy bears claiming that they will turn her into a sweeter girl.

-She will use them to set a trap for Russia.

Reviews are welcomed, flames are not and ideas are wanted!


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